Is it so small a thing to have enjoy'd the sun?

I recently attended a book club meeting in which we discussed The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. One of the main characters, Elizabeth, has a quote she repeats frequently, "Is it so small a thing to have enjoy'd the sun..." My husband and I looked up the quote and discovered that it is from The Hymn of Empedocles by Matthew Arnold:

Is it so small a thing

To have enjoy'd the sun,

To have lived light in the spring,

To have loved, to have thought, to have done;

To have advanced true friends, and beat down baffling foes...

It is now one of my favorite poems. I love it because it's about enjoying the ups and downs of life and living in the moment. It reminds me of another quote titled "Success" that I learned from a friend in college:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

They both espouse a very good philosophy and one that I need to remember as I grapple with the question of going back to work. How do I define success? Why am I in such a hurry to put my 2 1/2 year-old in pre-school all day? What is driving me to do it?

I thought I knew. I have been out of the work force for five years which is a long time to be out for a person with a technology degree. My two older kids are in school all day and my youngest is 2 and a half and she goes to preschool two days a week. What am I going to do with myself all day?

More later...

More on Mothers

I wonder if grown-ups who still have their mothers around understand how lucky we are to have had a mother raise us and still be with us.

I recently attended the Heart Gallery of Central Texas Gala sponsored by the Adoption Coalition of Central Texas. The Heart Gallery is a display of portraits of older children in foster care who want to be adopted into a family.

At this gala, I met a very nice young woman who at 36 was finally adopted. One would think that at 36 she would have already gotten used to flying solo in the world, but to her the adoption was the start of her healing. She had been searching for a family her entire life. She talked so proudly about her new Mom and her brothers.

But every where I look, I seem to find stories of people who long for a mother. I also recently met and befriended another very nice young woman who grew up in a house with a mother who had a mental illness. My friend basically raised herself and then got placed in foster care when she was in her teens. She is now married with children so she has created her own family, but not having a mother has really been hard for her.

The mother of one of my roommates passed away when my roommate was six. She left behind two little girls under the age of 7. My friend talked about missing her mother terribly. The only physical evidence that her mother had existed was a purse my friend had in her closet and a picture of her mom, her dad, my friend and her sister that she had on her dresser.

I attended a reading by Sandra Cisneros a few months ago and she mentioned that when her mother died, she cried because she felt like an orphan and she was 54.

And then there are the lucky people, like me, who not only have a mother, but also had a grandmother to care of me. My grandmother lived at home with us and made every one of my meals for my first 18 years of my life. She baked cookies for me. She sang me lullabies so I could sleep. She held me in her arms when I was sick or sad. She hugged and kissed me every day of our life together. My mother worked outside the home, but she was there for me always. My mother still calls me once a week, and she worries about me when I am sick or she hasn't heard from me in a few days.

I just cannot imagine the void that one must feel when that person who adores you more than possibly anyone else in the world, is gone.

I feel for those children in foster care and I wish I were in a position to adopt a few of them. I feel for my friends who carry this sadness inside their hearts every day. And I feel so fortunate to have been born into a family with caring parents and caring grandparents.

But I can't help but wonder, why me? And why were those children at the Heart Gallery born into families who couldn't take care of them? Why am I the lucky one and not them?

I wonder.

TTYL.

Are You My Mother?

For Daniel's Back-To-School Night, students in his class had to write a short description of one parent. The teacher read the descriptions out loud during the classroom meeting with all the parents. Parents then had to guess if the person described in the essay was them. Here is what Daniel wrote:

"Who Am I? By Daniel Kauffman

Do you recognize this elegant woman with dark brown hair?

My mom has dark brown hair, brown eyes and the smell of Pert [shampoo] when she gets out of the shower. She's short and old. Her eyes sparkle like water when the sun hits it.

My mom is always caring for me. My mom is funny. She makes me laugh. My mom helps me a lot. She is fun to play with. She's cool playing with me. She's very smart with computers.

My talented mom is good at making dinner and lunch. She is very fast and good at texting. She's very good at making me mad then calming me down. She gets scared easily.

My mom enjoys watching me play baseball and my sister soccer. She enjoys reading, writing, and math. She also loves school.

Are you my mother?"

I find it interesting that he thinks I'm elegant. :) I find that comment so endearing. I should ask him what his definition for elegant is. The other thing that cracked me up is that he notices the smell of my shampoo, which by the way, thanks to a new friend who knows a lot about hair, I am now using Nioxin shampoo and Redken conditioner and neither smells like Pert. I wonder if he'll notice the difference. I also thought it was funny that he mentioned that I text a lot. I'm a little embarrassed by that comment, but I can't blame him for writing the truth. I'm just glad he didn't write other more embarrassing truths about me...

And I'm not THAT old. :)

Never-ending Summer

Summer starts in Texas around April. That's when we start getting those 85 degree days regularly. By the time school gets out at the end of May, the days are scorching hot and the temperature is hovering in the upper 90's. So when the end of August rolls around and the heat is unbearable--always above 100 degrees, I am so ready for a sign of fall. Typically, that sign is the first day of school!

This year, however, summer seems to be dragging on. After spending countless hours getting ready for school --organizing school supplies, picking out clothes, packing lunches, getting backpacks ready, and finding that shoe that always seems to disappear when you need it most--Daniel wakes up with a fever on the first day of school. How can a child who has had one cold all year get sick the day school starts? Somehow that one little incident has thrown off my entire plan for the week. I was supposed to walk three miles this morning, go to the grocery store, mail my sister her reading glasses, drop off some things at Goodwill, write thank you cards, etc., but now it's noon and I am sitting here in my PJ's reading Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and taking my son's temperature every hour. I have spent most of the morning playing with our new dog Sadie and my two year-old. I guess I am disappointed because it feels like a normal summer day and I m so ready to get back into our fall routine. Hopefully, for his sake and mine, his fever will break and he will be off to school tomorrow so fall can officially start (for me. )

TTYL.

Texas Round-up, Here I Come

I am not sure why I was so nervous about the 10k I walked/ran today.  I loved it.  Absolutely loved it.  I didn't die (not yet anyway).  My brain didn't swell.  And they do have porta-potties along the route!  Woohoo!   

My friend Julie and I walk/run a lot together so it was fun to do this race with her. We didn't run the whole way, but we did run a lot.  I didn't train as well as I should've. I know this because I am lying on the couch nursing my very sore legs.  They feel like they are going to cramp up any second. My awesome neighbor across the street, who happens to be a nurse in a cardiac unit, brought me a gatorade and an orange this afternoon after I told her I had a headache.  She said I was dehydrated.  So no, not everything was perfect, but I had a great time walking and running those 6.2 miles this morning.  

I had expected to be done in 2 hours since it normally takes me 45 minutes to walk/run the first 3 miles and I was sure it was going to take me more than an hour to finish the second 3 miles.  I told David and the kids to meet me at the finish line at 11 a.m.  Well, to our surprise, we finished in 1 hour and 42 minutes.  My sweet husband showed up a the finish line right at 11 a.m. and we had been sitting for more than 15 minutes already waiting for him.  I felt so bad for him.  He had the camera ready to go and he had missed me crossing the finish line. Oh, well. Next time, the whole family is going to run the race so no one will miss any of it.  

I loved it so much that I am considering running the Texas Round-up 5 K on April 25th.  

TTYL.

Race Nerves

I am getting very nervous about the Capitol 10K this weekend. Why did I sign up for that? I am not a runner. I am so dreading this. The first thing that got me nervous is the waiver I had to sign. It talks about runners who die during the race having no legal recourse. Die? What did I get myself into? Then I took a look at the elevation map: lots of hills. Ugh. I hate hills.

I actually waited until the last possible moment to sign up for the race perhaps hoping that something very important might come up and I wouldn't be able to go through with it, but no such luck. I am on for Sunday at 9 a.m. Deep breath. What if I am the last one to cross the finish line???? No. That won't happen. What if I drink too much water and I get a swollen brain???? What if I have a heart attack in the middle of the thing or an aneurysm???

Ok, back to reality. This ain't no marathon. It's a six mile race. Who dies in a six mile race? Right? I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. I will not be the last person to cross the finish line. I will not let my brain swell from all the water I'm going to drink. Oh, no...what if I have to go potty from all the water I might drink??? Are there porta-potties along the route??? Aaargh. Too many scenarios I have not thought about and probably shouldn't...

TTYL.

Rice Sandwiches

I went to a reading last night by my favorite author, Sandra Cisneros. The Austin Public Library Foundation sponsored the reading in honor of the 25th anniversary of the publication of The House on Mango Street. As with most things good that have happened in my life, my husband introduced me to her writing.

When we first met, he owned a copy of The House on Mango Street, a collection of powerful short essays about the lives of Latinas in poverty. I read it voraciously. I could identify with the narrator of almost every story. It seemed that her stories were about me.  

My all-time favorite short essay is "Rice Sandwich," about a little girl who wants to eat in the "canteen" with the kids who bring lunch to Catholic school every day. After relentlessly pleading and begging her mother to please pack her a lunch, her mother agrees, but they don't have lunch meat so all her mother can pack her is a sandwich made out of rice. The little girl couldn't be happier. She walks in to school with her lunch and a note from her mother asking the mother superior to let her daughter eat in the canteen. But the little girl is not prepared for the humiliation that awaits her.

Every time I read that story, I weep. Seriously, not just tear up a little, but really cry a flowing river of tears. I guess it's because the story reminds me so much of when I was a little girl and how badly I wanted to take a lunch to school. My dad always said no because we already got a free lunch at school. I couldn't stand those free lunches, especially on the day they served Tortilla Soup. It was so gross.  Everything was all mixed together. It looked like it had already been processed in someone's stomach. I longed for the day when I could bring a lunch box to school filled with goodies from home and then one day, I met my friend Julie Farmer.  She brought a lunch to school every day and she hated that. Funny how life is sometimes, but what a perfect opportunity for both of us! I gave Julie my free lunch ticket and I got to eat her delicious bologna or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  

Anyway, last night Sandra Cisneros read two new short stories.  Like the rest of her writing, they were powerful and funny. I did not realize Sandra was such a funny person. I should've known since her stories can be very funny. Her last story was about her mother dying when Sandra was 53 and how that made her feel like an orphan in the world. In the story, two little girls who just lost their mother also lose their cat, Marie. 

"Have you seen Marie?" the little girls walk around asking in the neighbors. 

"Marie, where are you?!" they call out.  

They don't find Marie but in the process of looking for Marie they discover that they are really looking for their mother. When they finally start asking about their mother, her spirit responds: "'Here I am!' says the Wind."  

"Here I am! say the Trees."  

"Here I am!' says the River." 

As usual I am not doing her story justice.  It was beautiful and as with most of her stories, by the end, I was sobbing like a baby. But the beauty of being in a room full of Sandra Cisneros fans is that when I looked around most people were sobbing, too.  

TTYL.

Spring Break

I am starting to get more emails with comments about this blog and it is starting to get a little scary for me to write in here knowing that people are actually reading this. Most comments are congratulatory except for the one from my friend Kim who chastised me for using too many chemicals to clean my house (read my "Whirlwind" post). She's right. I shouldn't use that many chemicals, but I don't like my house smelling like vinegar all the time....

Anyway, this post is not about chemicals or housework. It's about the best time had by a family during Spring Break this year. I love traveling with David and the kids. It is so much fun to be together in the car. We sing. We read books aloud. We play games. We listen to music. We read some more. The kids write in their journals. They make puppets out of socks. They read independently. They eat A LOT. Actually, we all eat a lot. We feel so, so lucky to have such wonderful traveling kids.

The first day of our journey to the Grand Canyon was last Saturday. We packed the night before and were able to leave the house at 5:30 a.m., a first for us! We had several short stops along the way that day -- the longest stop was a 30-minute break for lunch at a playground -- but made it to Tucson, AZ by 6:00 p.m. (Really 8 p.m. our time, but it was a nice bonus to gain two hours during that trip. ) We traveled a total of 900 miles that day with three kids in the car, the youngest being only 21 months. We couldn't believe it! Wow! Now we feel like we can go anywhere in a day! We were hoping to camp during this trip, but after checking the weather we realized it would be too cold for me to camp. I don't like camping when it is going to be below 32 degrees at night. The projected temps for most of the areas we visited were in the low 20's. Too cold for me! (But not for my husband who has camped through a blizzard in Alaska!).

I am a list person and don't want to bore you with details so here's a quick itinerary of our trip and what we saw each day:

Day 1: Traveled 900 miles from Austin to Tucson.

Day 2: Visited Saguaro National Park in Tucson where the kids earned their first of four Jr. Park Ranger badges. That night we drove north 6 hours to the Grand Canyon!

Day 3: Natalia woke up at 6 a.m. begging to go the see the Grand Canyon. David took her while the rest of us slept in. We spent all day exploring the park. Daniel and Nati also got to hike down part-way into the Canyon on the Bright Angel Trail with David while Isabella and I ate ice cream and walked the South Rim Trail. Isabella spent most of her time in the stroller or in the backpack. The trail is fairly safe, but there are areas without a rail and it made me a little queasy to have Isabella walking around so close to the canyon's edge. That night we also watched a beautiful sunset. The kids earned their second Jr. Park Ranger badge that day.

Day 4: The whole family woke up early to watch the sunrise over the canyon. It was very cold, but totally worth it. The colors look majestic as the sunlight reflects and shadows are cast on the sides of the canyon. We drove to most of the lookout points on the east part of the South Rim trail and then we were ready to move on. That afternoon we drove to Navajo Nation. Our first stop that evening was in Monument Valley, a breath-taking display of red clay and sandstone formations that sore into a gorgeous blue sky filled with billowing clouds. (See picture above.) Several western movies have been filmed here. We didn't want to leave, but we had reservations for that night in Canyon de Chelly also in Navajo Nation.

Day 5: Canyon de Chelly is a gorgeous area that has been inhabited by the Navajo for hundreds of years. It is hard to explain how beautiful this canyon is. There is a lush, green valley at the bottom along the river that runs through it. I think it is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon. We hiked all the way down into the canyon to see pueblo ruins. The hike itself was only 2.5 miles round trip and it was fun for the kids to walk down these beautiful cliffs. The kids also earned their third Jr. Park Ranger badge at this park.

Day 6: We woke up early this day too and visited the Painted Dessert and Petrified Forest National Park. This was another amazing spot. We hiked the Long Logs trail and the Agate trail. The kids loved seeing the rock logs and learning how trees turned to stone. That evening we drove to Albuquerque and got a quick look at Old Town Albuquerque. Beautiful! The kids earned their final Jr. Park Ranger badge this day!

Day 7: Woke up in Albuquerque and drove all the way to Austin with one stop in Roswell, New Mexico to picnic and play in the Spaceport Playground. The kids loved the aliens!

The Grand Canyon was absolutely stunning and I am so glad that we went, but I have to admit that my favorite part of the entire trip was our visit through Navajo Nation. David found Sing Down the Moon by Scott O'Dell at the Monument Valley Gift Shop. We read that aloud to the kids on our way to Canyon De Chelly. It is a poignant story about a little girl whose entire clan is brutally escorted out of the canyon by American soldiers and taken to Bosque Redondo at Fort Sumner. It helped explain why we were seeing areas of stark poverty amidst such beautiful landscape. The book provided us with a frame of reference for the rest of the trip and possibly for the rest of our lives...

TTYL.

Balance

I am energized by being around people. Is it because I grew up in a large family with many people around me all the time? I slept in the same room as my grandma and my six siblings until I was 15. The only reason my sister and I moved to a room of our own was because a friend made fun of me for still sleeping in my grandma's room. I love the noise, the warmth of a full-house, but I also love being alone with my own thoughts. Balance is good.

Torn Again

I took a class on human biology in college and loved it. It was a combination anthropology, biology, and psychology class. One day the professor walked in and his first question to the class was, "At what point, in the gestation of a human, does human life actually begin?" He proceeded to ask us to raise our hand if we thought a human baby was a human life. Of course, the whole class raised their hands. Then he asked if we thought a 39-week old fetus was a human life. Only one person in the class did not raise his hand. I remember thinking, "Wow. I can't believe that that guy thinks that a baby about to be born is not a human life!"  The questions continued , each time the number of weeks getting smaller. What about a 7 month old fetus?  Is it a human life? It was interesting to see people's responses.  As the number of weeks in the question decreased so did the number of hands going up.  He got to two months. Is that human life? Several hands were still up in the air.  Finally, he got to conception.  Are a blob of cells human life? Only one person had his hand up in the air and it wasn't me.  

I think back on that day frequently. It made a big impression on me that there were such varied opinions on this matter within my own classmates, whom I regarded as being very progressive. A few months ago, when the Obama administration announced that it would reverse the policy on stem cell research that the Bush administration had sponsored, I started thinking about those questions again. This time, however, with very many years of life experience behind me. Now I think I would be one of the people whose hand would be up when asked about human life beginning at conception. Not because of religious beliefs, but simply because biology dictates it.

The stem cell research ban that Obama just lifted allows scientists to conduct research on leftover human embryos that were created in vitro for fertilization purposes. The research is usually conducted when the embryo is five days old. At that point, a human embryo consists of 120-150 cells. In the past, the embryo was destroyed as part of the research process. However, now researchers have figured out how to not harm the embryo. If you look at the picture above, it in no way resembles a human, but still I feel very, very queasy about the idea that we are tinkering with a human life. Again, not because it has anything to do with religious beliefs, but because to me it seems that there is no question that biologically-speaking, human life begins at conception.  

How do scientists define something as being "alive?"  Kids, in Texas, learn that in kindergarten. For something to be alive, it needs to 1) grow and change,  2) reproduce (have offspring),  3) require energy (eat, breathe, etc.),  4) be composed of 1 cell or more (have a highly organized structure), and 5) respond to stimuli (e.g., move).  Based on this definition, a human embryo is definitely alive then.  

I understand the plethora of benefits that can be achieved by studying stem cells.  Stem cells are the cells that help us heal. It is possible that scientists might find cures for many debilitating illnesses because of this research. But how can one ethically justify using a human life to experiment? What happens to the embryos after the research? Are they allowed to develop into fetuses and eventually full-blown babies? Do the ends really justify the means? Can anyone ever really answer that question? 

TTYL.

Torn

I am so torn about going back to work.  IK is still so little.  She will be two in June.  But I will have been out of the workforce exactly five years at the end of April.  I should just stick with my plan to do some consulting, especially because IK is scheduled to go to preschool in the fall  two days a week.  Or should I wait until she is three?  This is so hard.  Two days a week is not that much time away from her, but still, it's time away that I will never have back with her. 

She is at the cutest stage where she is learning to talk.  Every day she says a new word. yesterday's word was  "Nati."  She says it so clearly now.  She also is a bilingual baby so she can understand and speak both languages.  Will I be able to continue that when she starts school?  I don't see why not, right?  I can still speak to her in Spanish only like I have been doing.  And her school is a very nice one.  It is a Waldorf-oriented.  They have a beautiful garden where the children spend most of their time.  They grow their own herbs and use them in the bread they bake.  They water the plants themselves.  Most kids who attend do not watch TV at home. Lunches need to be healthy.  No one is allowed to wear clothes with TV or cartoon characters on it.  No one yells at the children.  They call them by ringing a bell or by singing. The best part is that the school celebrates all the holidays it seems so they get an early introduction to different cultures.  

N and D are not too excited about me going back to work.  Will we have a nice sitter they ask? Will we have to stay late at school with Dad every day?  Who is going to help us with our homework?  Who is going to take us to after school activities?  Will we still be able to have play dates after school?  Who is going to make us dinner? 

I am sure David and I can figure our routines and schedules.  We've done it before.  Not with three children but with two.  Maybe I am just scared of starting the actual process.  I am not sure what I am scared of: missing out on my kids' life?  taking a job I might not enjoy?  not being able to be involved as much in my children's education?  

I don't know.

But I need to figure this out soon!  

TTYL.

Why I can never get projects done

Today went like this:

7:30 a.m. Wake up and jump in the shower

8:00 a.m. Check facebook before driving Isabella to the doctor

8:45 a.m. Finally see doctor!

9:00 a.m. Arrive home

9:30 a.m. Walk/run with Isabella and friend

11:00 a.m. Lunch with friends

12:30 p.m. Salvation Army bookstore with friend

2:20 p.m. Drop off friend at her house and head to school to pick up kids

2:52 p.m. Pick up kids

3:30 p.m. Arrive home; kids start homework

4:30 p.m. Homework done; start dinner

6:00 p.m. Dinner

7:00 p.m. Kids get ready for bed

7:15 pm. Reading time

8:00 p.m. Lights out for kids; dishes for me.

9:00 p.m. Bedtime

Wake up and start over!

Whirlwind

What a whirlwind of a month!  It was so much fun!  I got to see so many friends and relatives that I don't get to see that often: David's cousin from Tennessee, my grad school friend from Chicago, my high school friend from DC, my sister and her boyfriend, my entire family at my little sister's bridal shower in Brownsville.  I love it!

In preparation for our company, I kept trying to clean our guest bathroom.  I tried everything on the shower curtain - bleach, tylex mold and mildew remover, soft scrub and still the thing would not get completely clean.  I finally gave up with our last guest and went out and bought a new shower curtain.  In the process of cleaning the shower curtain, however, I discovered the best way to clean my tub.  I had also tried all of the chemicals mentioned above, plus I tried toilet bowl cleaner and the soap scum stayed there.  The day before our last guest arrived, I sprayed the curtain with Tylex Soap Scum remover and accidentally spilled the bottle into the tub.  The solution splattered all  over the tub and then Ta Da!  The soap scum started coming off.  Hallellujah!  Surely, I have cleaned that tub before, but for the life of me, I could not recall what I had used to remove the soap scum (probably because the thing only gets cleaned when we have guests coming to see us).  Anyway, it was a good discovery.  

Yes, I can't believe it either -- I am wasting a post to talk about Tylex!  :)  TTYL.  

Capitol 10K

I'm starting to realize that posts can be short.  Why did it take me so long to figure that out?  

So I have signed up for the Austin Capitol 10K.  It is a six mile run/walk.  I can now walk three miles in less than an hour.  I am hoping to be able to run part of the way, but have yet to try out the training method cousin Kathy recommended - the Galloway Method.  We are going out again tomorrow and I will try it then.  The objective is to rest after a few minutes of jogging.  I can jog for two minutes and then walk for 1 minute.  That is the plan for tomorrow.  Wish me luck.  

Isabella slept all night in her new bed.  Woohoo!  She did wake up much earlier than she normally would if she were sleeping right next to me, but that's ok.  It just means she will actually nap now. Woohoo!  

I must go to sleep soon.  My friend Cindy is coming into town tomorrow afternoon.  I am so excited!  Friday is my friend Julie's 40th birthday.  Then Saturday I am headed to Brownsville for my sister's bridal shower.  I am coming back on Sunday and get to hang out with my friend for one more day.  Yippee!!!   

Ok, goodnight.  TTYL.

Firsts and Lasts

I shouldn't drink coke on Tuesdays when I have lunch with my dear friend Renee.  I am so sensitive to caffeine these days that one little coke will keep me up very late into the night. Hence, this post at this very late hour.

Not sure what I am feeling right now.  Part of me is happy that Isabella is sleeping upstairs in Natalia's room in her toddler bed and part of me is sad because my baby is not sleeping in bed with us anymore.  :(  I am going to miss waking up right next to her.  Who am I kidding?  She's really the one that wakes ME up.  Her first words every morning are:  "Mama, agua."  She says this in a very dramatic voice as if she's really dying of thirst.  I love it.  Maybe she'll cry in the middle of the night and I'll run up there just to bring her back down to bed with us.  Knowing that this is our last baby changes the way I feel about her "firsts."  Her "firsts" are now my "lasts." 

Well, that sentiment was short-lived.  She is up and screaming for "mama".  TTYL.

Spring is in the air!

I love, LOVE this time of year.  Everything is coming back to life.  The trees are budding. The crocuses are blooming.  The sun comes in early into my kitchen window over the sink.  The mornings are crisp and the day is breezy but not warm.  This weather only lasts a couple of months and then we are back to scorching heat.  A few years back it got up to 108 degrees one day in September.  That is HOT.

I am not sure why I haven't been writing as much in here.  I have been suffering from allergies quite a bit and have had the sniffles and an on-and-off cough the last two months.  We have also had several friends and relatives visit.  I love having company.   And school activities have been taking up a lot of our evenings as well.  Those are my excuses anyway.

Last week I had one day that I chose to stay home all day with Isabella -- no errands, no trips anywhere, no TV, just Isabella and me.  It was awesome.  We played.  We cleaned.  We ate together.  It was so much fun.  I am going to have to save a day each week to do just that.

I have also been busy thinking about next fall and what my options are.  My resume is all set and I have made a couple of contacts with some folks in the field in which I am interested in working.  I have also been looking at job lists and am happy to report that there are many jobs out there in my area of expertise.  Phew.   

However, the biggest job-related epiphany came from my friend Jessica who was here for a conference last week.  She is a dear friend from grad school.  She suggested I start my own consulting company.   I thought she was joking at first, but the more she talked, the more it made sense.  I am so excited!  Having my own company will give me the flexibility I need to take on projects as I can handle given my kids' schedules.  Thank you, Jessica, for opening my eyes to this option!

It feels like my professional life is coming back to life again and life is good.  TTYL.

A Day of Rest

I have been sick since Saturday.  I caught a cold from my 9-year-old and it turned into the flu but at this time of year, I have really bad allergies so it's hard to tell what I really have.  For two days I laid on the couch sniffling, body aching, and head throbbing.  I was finally able to sit up last night without my head pounding.  Today, I feel better, but still not 100%.

I think I got sick because I am running around doing too much stuff.  Friday was crazy.  I had a breakfast with friends; then I ran off to school to decorate for RIF; then we had a bake sale.  I didn't get home until 6:30pm and then David and I had a date.  We went to a concert.  That concert did me in.  They had a smoke machine and we somehow ended up standing right in front of it.  With my allergies, my eyes quickly reacted and started getting puffy and I started coughing. We also had to drink a coke that night to be able to stay up.  I never drink caffeine so I am super sensitive to it.  That night I didn't fall asleep until 2a.m. and then woke up at 9 to go to school to finish decorating for RIF.  I finished RIF at 5:30 came home and had dinner at a friend's house.  That night my head started pounding and it was all downhill from there.

I like how the kids and David pamper me when I am sick. They made me fresh-squeezed orange juice, fed me breakfast in bed, and kept coming in all day with little snacks for me. My favorite was the warm chocolate chip cookie with a glass of milk. Too bad I couldn't taste it because of my cold.  I thought I would take one day to recuperate, but I ended up napping most of yesterday. Poor Isabella had to play by herself on the bed while I napped. She did great. It's as if she knew that mommy was not feeling well and she should leave me alone.  

I am finally starting to feel well again and I am thinking about going in to school to help with the third grade fundraiser.  Part of me really wants to be there, but the other part of me thinks I should just stay home and let my body completely recover before I immerse myself in activity again.

It's nice to have a day that doesn't involve schedules or expectations, but I sure miss the bustle and hustle of my daily life.  I think I'll give myself one more day and tomorrow I'll jump right back in...

TTYL

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

When I was little my parents and my grandmother asked me all the time, "What are you going to be when  you grow up?"  I'm sure the answers kept changing as I got older.  I don't recall all the responses, but I do remember that at one point in my life, I wanted, more than anything, to be an astronaut.  That was my dream until I discovered that you needed 20/20 vision -- that automatically ruled me out.  My goal then changed from wanting to be an astronaut to being anaerospace engineer.  By golly, if I couldn't fly in the shuttle, I was going to design the durn thing!

And so off I went to Stanford with that goal in mind.  I took several engineering classes and decided that maybe what I really wanted to be was a mechanical engineer.  At the beginning of my sophomore year, I searched for summer internships that would enable me to use my mechanical engineering skills.  I landed an internship with Exxon.  I thought I was going to love it.  I hated it. It was a fun assignment, but the actual engineering part of it was boring.  That same year I had  taken the class  "An Introduction to Computer Science" and had fallen in love with it. I was fascinated by the proofs and logic required to master the subject. Once again my goal changed.  Now I wanted to be a computer scientist.  I loved all my classes on this subject so I graduated from Stanford as a computer scientist.

I worked as a computer scientist for a few years and decided that although I enjoyed what I was doing, it was missing something.  It took me a while to figure out what that something was, but then I realized that it is important for me to work at something that was helping to change the world and working for Exxon in their systems department was not moving me in that direction.  

So I applied to the Kennedy School to become a policy analyst. Upon graduation, I worked for the state in a strategic planning capacity in their information technology division.  I thought I had found my calling and then...I had kids.

As I mentioned in my previous posts, having kids rocks your world to the core.  I decided I wanted to focus on my kids for the next few years and I did and I loved it, but there is still a part of me that feels I should be doing something to help change the world. IK is going to start preschool in the fall.  I will have no baby to care for at home then.  What am I going to do all day? Clean the house? Uh, no.

So here I am.  Wondering myself what I am going to be when I grow up?  I am having a hard time deciding.  It would be so easy (I think) to go back to do what I was doing before I decided to stay at home, but I remember how seemingly incompatible that job was with being a mother. Do I want to go through that again?  I don't know.  Maybe if I get a sitter things might not be so crazy.  My goal in life is not to become a millionaire so that opens up my options.  Do I want to teach?  Do I want to work for a non-profit?  A friend suggested working in the Texas House for a few months just to get that experience under my belt.  It is a very demanding job and the pay is not really there, but it would definitely be good experience.

How does one decide what's the best course of action????  I feel like I should make a chart and list all the things I am looking for in a job and see how these different options compare.  Maybe that's a good way. Maybe I should just apply to jobs in every area and see what happens? Maybe I'm being too cocky thinking I'm going to get any job I want because that's always been the case in the past.  

Maybe I'll sleep on it...

TTYL.

We're Gonna Be Ok

What a wonderful day yesterday turned out to be! N summed it up in her kindergarten journal:

"Today is a great day because it is Daniel's birthday and it is the first day that Barack Obama is President!"

The children said they watched the entire inaugural program at school.  After the inauguration, Daniel's class wrote essays about why they thought Barack Obama had been elected President. Daniel said people like Obama because he is going to lower taxes and help the poor, and lower gasoline prices.  :)   I love it.

We watched reruns of the inauguration on the news last night and Isabella danced and clapped when we all cheered.  It was so cute to watch her so happy because we were all so happy.  

Was anyone else worried when Barack and Michelle were walking on the parade route?  I sure was glad when they got back in the car.  

Now I'm sitting here pondering his powerful words.  Some people wonder how he is going to achieve all those promises, and truth be told, I wonder that myself.  But people with hope have moved mountains and people have hope now.  We want to believe.  So what's the first mountain?  For him, it's this whole auto industry bailout.  It's a tough one, but if he comes out with flying colors from that, the momentum will be there so we can turn our attention to healthcare reform and then on to the next thing...

So no, maybe he won't be able to accomplish everything he's talking about, but he has given us a powerful vision of the future and as long as we are headed that way, we are gonna be ok.

TTYL. 

Remembering Martin Luther King, Jr.

Every third Monday in January, our family listens to the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr's. speech. After the speech, we drive down to the Capitol to walk down 11th street to Huston-Tillotson University with thousands of other Austinities.  Every year, people sing, chant, carry signs, and have a good time just walking together knowing that we are all their for the same purpose - to honor this man that gave us his dream.   This year was no exception.  

The speech is always moving.  Dr. King was a powerful orator.  I think a lot about him when I listen to Obama speak, one of the best orators today.  There is something about the way they deliver their speeches that speaks to my soul.  It's as if they are talking just to me and I need to listen.  We don't make the children sit and listen, but as the speech echoes through the house, I'm sure they can hear his thunderous voice and his magical words.  We're hoping those words are embedding deep into their consciousness and that they too will work towards helping all people achieve Dr. King's dream.

At the march, this year, there were thousands of people wearing Obama shirts and Obama signs.  My favorite was one carried by a child.  It said, "My grandpa walked with Martin Luther King in 1963."  It is a great feeling to walk beside other people who believe in this great man. It is especially moving to see older African-Americans who can barely walk being pushed on wheelchairs or walking on canes.  They believe in the dream.

Today part of that dream becomes reality -- Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States; the only African-American to be president in our country's history.  Why I wonder did it take almost 50 years for Dr. King's dream to come to fruition? We still have so much work to do when it comes to bringing minorities' standard of living up to par with the white standard of living in this country.  How can we say the dream is achieved when more than 30% of all African-American children live in poverty?  Or when 12% of all African-American children do not live with either parent?  For many years, we have ignored this group.

My dream and hope is that with Obama in the White House, these issues will come to the forefront and become a priority for our country finally fulfilling Dr. King's dream.  Yes, we can!!!!! 

TTYL.

Why I Chose to Stay Home

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend this weekend.  She is considering having children, but has had an amazing career and is currently in an amazing job.  She is not ready to give up the career, but she is really feeling the urge to have children right now.  She asked me how I was able to give up my job and stay home with the kids.  

I have been answering that question for a long time.  Friends who have careers, and sometimes babies, want to know how I can stay home.  Don't you miss your job?  How can it be rewarding to hang out with your baby all day?  Aren't you bored?  Why did you "waste" your time at Stanford and Harvard if you "knew" you wanted to stay home when you had kids?  Friends who have babies, and usually are at home already ask,"Why did it take you so long to quit?"  How could you leave your baby in the care of someone other than family?  Don't you know nobody loves your baby more than you, your husband, and possibly the grandparents (therefore, nobody can take care of them as well as you do)?  How can you trust total strangers to care for your infant?

Choosing to stay home for me was a very difficult decision to make in some ways and not so difficult in others.  I grew up with a mom and dad who both worked full-time. My grandmother who lived at home with us took care of us.  She was the one feeding us breakfast every morning. She was the one there when we got home from school. She was the one who made dinner.  It was awesome. I, in essence, had the best of both worlds. My mother set the example that women can have a job and a family.  For her it was not a choice, she had to work to help support all six of her kids.  But I also had the security of having my sweet grandmother at home catering to my every need.

When I graduated from college, I "knew" that I didn't want to have children.  My view of children was that they are cute, but too much work and they derail careers, especially for women.  I had professional and personal goals I wanted to accomplish and didn't think I could achieve them if I had children.  I was pretty set in my ways.  I was never going to have children. Enter David.

It is amazing how falling in love changes your perspective on many things, especially the desire to have children of your own.  David and I met; we fell in love; we married; we went to grad school.  I couldn't imagine not having children with this man that I adore more and more each day.  My clock started ticking. I felt I was already 30 and should be, at least, thinking about having babies soon.  My mom was getting worried that I was getting too old to have babies at all.  (Of course, this is coming from a woman who had her first baby -- me! -- when she was 21). In 9 years, I went from no kids for me, thanks to I need to have a baby NOW!

I was actually pregnant when I interviewed for jobs and got several job offers.  Before I accepted the job offer I wanted, I did mention to my then-boss that I was expecting a baby; that I would take, at most, six weeks off to have the baby (that's what my mother did - but she had my grandma at home!) and then I would be right back at work.  He said, "No problem. We're glad to have you on board."  Boy, was I naive.

I worked six months and didn't stop working until my due date.  (D was born 10 days late.) Once that little baby was born, I immediately fell totally and completely in love with it.  I wanted to hold him all day.  After a few weeks at home, I called my boss and asked him for four months off instead of 1 1/2.  He was so nice about it.  He was older and had grown children, but said he remembered the days of wanting to hold your baby non-stop.  Once again, he said, "No problem."

So I stayed home for four months nursing my baby, taking him for walks, holding him, playing with him and just plain loving him.  By the time the four month mark came along, neither David and I were ready to put him in daycare full time so we had him going to a local daycare three days a week and David stayed home with him the other two.  It was such a great way for them to bond.

 

Finding good daycare in Boston was very difficult.  We had thought about getting a nanny, but our pediatrician talked us out of it.  She said unless it's a family member, you never know what the person does with that baby all day.  There is no one at home to watch over her.  She can act like the nicest person in the world in front of you, but you don't know what she could do to your baby if she's having a bad day.  She suggested a group daycare where you have several experienced women taking care of babies.  They can take breaks and have lunch on their own and be refreshed when they come back to take care of your baby.  Besides, good group daycare in Boston costs almost as much, if not more, than having a full-time nanny.  That was enough for me.

The daycare we really wanted was in the building where I worked, but they didn't have an opening for Daniel until he was 8 months old even though we had put him on the wait list the minute I started working.  They had an infant room with 4 adults and 7 babies.  While we waited for that daycare, we signed up for a daycare near our house that had a similar ratio, and a very sweet lady running.  I loved her the minute I saw her, but I really wanted to be close to Daniel during the day so I could go visit him and nurse him.

I have that very first drop-off at daycare day engraved in my brain. I remember every minute detail -- what he was wearing, what I was wearing, how my heart was so heavy with guilt, how it took me half an hour to hand him over to the nice lady who was going to take care of him.  I remember crying all the way to work and my sweet boss letting me tell him about it for a whole hour and then letting me leave early that day so I could pick up the baby early. After that, we decided David would do drop-off and I would pick up.  That was much easier, but I still felt guilty.  I kept asking myself why did I have a baby so that other people can raise him while I'm at work?  It seemed so unfair to him. 

Finally, we got a spot in the daycare in my building and it was awesome.  Now D got to ride in to work with me and I got to visit him during the day and during my lunch hour.  I could go and nurse him any time.  It was great, but I still always felt that I wanted to spend more time with him than evenings and weekends.  We lived with that arrangement for 2 years.

When I got pregnant with N, I had a different boss, but just as nice.  He was younger and had three kids at home so he was very understanding.  I asked to go on a part-time schedule four days a week and he was ok with that.  That was pretty manageable and increased the weekend time I spent with D by 50 percent!  

When N was born, I stayed home six months with her.  Then, I went back to work 3 days a week.  That was not working for me.  I was a program manager so I had to check email every day and communicate with my boss every day even on the days I was home.  I could get away with only checking email a couple times a day when I was at work four days, but when I went down to 3 days, it was hard to stay on top of things, but I didn't want to lose responsibility at work so when N was 7 months, I went back to 4 days a week.  I think I could've kept that schedule up. Both kids were in the same, good day care.  I loved the teachers.  David was president of the daycare board.  Life was good, but I still wanted more times with the kids. I kept thinking to myself that they are only this little once and I'm missing it.  It really hit home, when the daycare called me one day to tell me that N had just started pulling herself up. Luckily, I was in the building so I could run down to see it, but still felt that David and I should be the first ones to see that!

It was around that time, that David started thinking about jobs in Texas.  We were lucky that he got a job quickly so two months later we knew were moving to Texas.  Cost of living is a lot less expensive in Texas and our house in Boston had doubled in price since we had bought it five years before.  That was my chance to stay home!  

I was so scared though.  I had always worked and been independent. What would staying home do to my self-image?  I didn't want to be one of those bored, depressed stay-at-home moms you read about sometimes. What would staying home do to my career?  I had 13 years of professional experience under my belt.  I was excelling professionally.  Would I ever be able to get back to where I was professionally?  I read so many books about making that choice.  A few that finally convinced me: Mitten Strings for God; Surrendering to Motherhood; and  I don't know how she does it.  I also talked to a lot of women.

To me, it finally came down to being there to actually see my kids grow up and passing on my values to them from the very beginning.  I cannot get these years back, but I can always get a job back later.  So I did it.

At first, I thought I would do it for only a year.  To my surprise, I found that I loved it and still do.  I love the mundane things we do day to day.  I love playing with them.  I love taking them to the park, going for walks.  I love being able to pick them up after school.  I love just being with them.  

It's now been five years and by the time I go back to work, IK  will be almost 2 1/2 years old.  I will always remember these years with joy.  Not to say that it's all joy.  Like everything, we have good days, and we have bad days, but I am here with them to love them and guide them during these formative years.   For me, that's what it's about.  

Amazing Moms

I am supposed to be waiting for David to put the baby down so we can watch a movie, but I am afraid he fell asleep, too.  Poor guy. He gets up so early to exercise and get ready for work.  I don't blame him for being so tired.  I, on the other hand, made the mistake of drinking real coffee this morning, instead of decaf.  Big mistake.  I have not been drinking as much caffeine lately so I am incredibly sensitive to it.  That's why I am up right now.  It's almost midnight and I should be sleeping like everyone else in this household, but no.  Here I am. 

Today was the first bake sale of the semester at David's school.  I work with a group of ladies to get it going.  It is so much fun!  There is this one lady, E, who has 10 children and she's only 37. She is an amazing worker.  She is also one smart lady.  Today, after the bake sale, we were counting the money. Usually the ladies want me to count it first and then they count it and write down the amounts.  I had all these quarters lined up in rows and I asked E to count them. She looked at the stack for less than a second and said,  "There's 31 quarters.  That's $7.75." How the heck did she do that so fast?  I mean it was instantaneous!  This is a person who has NEVER gone to school.  NEVER EVER. Is that not amazing? I mean it was like a Rain Man thing.  It was awesome.

Then last month, I helped get a group of ladies together to be the set up crew for our first-ever Scholastic book fair.  Our job was to set up the library like a bookstore.  I started them off by asking them to wrap boxes in colorful butcher paper.  Then I asked them to arrange the tables in a nice pattern and put colorful tablecloths on them.  At that point we were ready to start arranging the books for the sale. The ladies kept putting them in large stacks and I would have to come over and ask them to rearrange them "so they look attractive to the customer."  I said to them, "You know, like you see in a bookstore.  Pretend the library is going to be a bookstore for the next few days.  How would you arrange the books so they will sell?" They seem stumped.  I couldn't believe it.  These ladies are smart.  What's was going on here?

Finally, they asked me to set up a table so they could see what I was talking about.  I placed two wrapped boxes on the table that had already been covered with a table cloth.  I put the sign that described the books on a pedestal between the two boxes and arranged the books attractively around the bottom of the boxes and then I put a few books standing up on the actual boxes. The ladies were all oohing and aahing about how good it looked.  Then they went off and arranged their own tables.  The place looked phenomenal after we were done. 

At that point, we all had time to actually look at the books.  The ladies were especially interested in the Spanish books. They also enjoyed all the cookbooks.  They couldn't believe there were so many kinds of books. Finally, one tells me:  "You know, you kept asking us to arrange the books like at a bookstore but none of us have ever been to a bookstore.  We were just too embarrassed to tell you."  Wow. And these were the same ladies that had just given up six hours of their lives to set up this book fair.  I was so moved by that.  They want to do what it takes to help their own children succeed academically and they are doing it.  I just love that.  I love that my kids go to that school.  I love that their kids go to that school.  I love those ladies.

TTYL...

Thinking about What's Next

I am still recovering from our erratic sleep patterns over the holidays.  We went to bed late and we woke up late.  Some days we'd go to bed late and we'd wake up early because the kid were already up.  Last night I stayed up late watching David Letterman.  The man is a genius.  No question about it.  I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 4:30 a.m. with my glasses still on. Ouch.  My nose was hurting.  Tonight I am going out with friends and plan to be home no later than 10pm so I can get back into schedule.

I want to wake up early every day and help David get the kids ready for school.  He manages quite well without me, but I like seeing them off in the morning.  I make their lunches and their breakfast.  They want breakfast tacos EVERY day.  In order to do that I have to get up by 5:30 a.m. as they are ready to go by 6.  I know I need at least 8 hours of sleep at night so I really should be going to bed by 9:30pm, but that sounds SO early!

I also want to start planning to have no errands to run at least two days out of the week. Mondays I usually reserve for getting the house back in order. It usually works out well. I would like Thursdays to be desk days -- the day I set aside for writing thank you cards, letters, clipping coupons, planning menus, and anything else that requires sitting at a desk.  

I also want to do more activities with Isabella.  She is currently enrolled in Little Gym. She loves it, but the stuff they do is so basic anyone can do it. Is it better to go to the park and bring along bubbles, a couple of balls, and hula hoop? I think I might just skip that class next semester. It would save us a lot of money. I want to take her to Bilingual Happy Hour at the library. I want to take her to the park more. I want to take her to museums. I want to go hiking with her; take her strawberry-picking; and do all the stuff I used to do with Daniel when he was my only one at home.  It seems I don't do those things with her during the day because I am always running around volunteering at school or doing something for the other kids and I feel she's getting short-changed. 

I also need to start sketching out my plan for getting back to work by the fall.  Part of me wants to teach, but part of me wants to go back to what I was doing before (government IT manager). I have been out of the workforce for almost five years.  I need to start researching the latest trends in government IT.  I need to narrow down what state and city agencies I might consider working for.  I need to look up alums at those places that I can set up informational interviews with. The list goes on.  I must write it down and lay out a plan or the next few months are going to fly by and I am going to be stuck doing it during my last summer at home with the kids.

I love sunny mornings!  They are so invigorating!  Gotta go get started on my todo list for today...

TTYL.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!  

We had such a wonderful time on our two holiday weeks together.   We did end up having a holiday party at which we celebrated David's birthday.  It was fun to put together the menu for it. I had really wanted to have a traditional Posada, but didn't get around to planning it on time.  

At the party, we had traditional food that you would normally find at a Posada.  I made menudo, a spicy soup made from cow's intestine.  It sounds gross, but if you can get past the intestine part, it's actually very good.  I also made Mexican rice, borracho beans, shrimp ceviche, and ponche, a traditional hot, spiced fruit punch served at Posadas in Mexico.  David made home-made eggnogg.  It was SO good!!!! We bought the tamales, the bunuelos, and the ojarascas. Ojarascas are delicious cookies made with lard, plus sugar and cinnamon.  They are not the healthiest fare in the world, but they literally melt in your mouth.  The only thing I forgot to make was the salsa for the tamales, but we survived without it.  Oh, I almost forgot to mention the best part: I made tres leches cake and it turned out pretty good.  It could've been a little bit more moist, but it was delicious anyway. We also had a pinata for the kids.  We enjoyed ourselves very much.

We left for Brownsville two days later and spent almost a whole week there visiting family and eating -- tacos, more tamales, spicy Mexican turkey, fajitas, you name it.  It was all so good and I'm sure it's all going to show up around my hips soon.  :)  We had planned to go to Mexico after our stay in Brownsville, but I changed my mind --too chicken to drive to Veracruz without an autopista (toll road).  We have travelled to Mexico in the past, but always on an autopista.  It's safer.  I was also afraid that our vacation would end up being too hectic and no one would get a chance to relax.  We came back home instead about a week ago and spent the whole time just enjoying being together.  We took long walks; we read; we cooked together; we played; and we fixed up a few things around the house.  

We typically have a party on New Year's at our house, but this year we decided to keep it low-key.  We met up with some friends for the parade downtown on New Year's Eve and came home to cook up steaks and burgers for our New Year's Eve dinner.  By the time, we put the kids to bed it was late.  Our neighbors came over to celebrate New Year's right around midnight.  We drank champagne with them, watched the New York ball drop on TV,  and talked for a while.  It was a nice way to spend the last night of the year.

Now, David is back at work and it is the kids' last day of vacation. They are off to school tomorrow and it will be back to just IK and me and our daily routines.  I am so thankful for the time we spent together. That time will serve as part of the glue that helps keep us together once our hectic lives resume tomorrow...

TTYL.