I have been answering that question for a long time. Friends who have careers, and sometimes babies, want to know how I can stay home. Don't you miss your job? How can it be rewarding to hang out with your baby all day? Aren't you bored? Why did you "waste" your time at Stanford and Harvard if you "knew" you wanted to stay home when you had kids? Friends who have babies, and usually are at home already ask,"Why did it take you so long to quit?" How could you leave your baby in the care of someone other than family? Don't you know nobody loves your baby more than you, your husband, and possibly the grandparents (therefore, nobody can take care of them as well as you do)? How can you trust total strangers to care for your infant?
Choosing to stay home for me was a very difficult decision to make in some ways and not so difficult in others. I grew up with a mom and dad who both worked full-time. My grandmother who lived at home with us took care of us. She was the one feeding us breakfast every morning. She was the one there when we got home from school. She was the one who made dinner. It was awesome. I, in essence, had the best of both worlds. My mother set the example that women can have a job and a family. For her it was not a choice, she had to work to help support all six of her kids. But I also had the security of having my sweet grandmother at home catering to my every need.
When I graduated from college, I "knew" that I didn't want to have children. My view of children was that they are cute, but too much work and they derail careers, especially for women. I had professional and personal goals I wanted to accomplish and didn't think I could achieve them if I had children. I was pretty set in my ways. I was never going to have children. Enter David.
It is amazing how falling in love changes your perspective on many things, especially the desire to have children of your own. David and I met; we fell in love; we married; we went to grad school. I couldn't imagine not having children with this man that I adore more and more each day. My clock started ticking. I felt I was already 30 and should be, at least, thinking about having babies soon. My mom was getting worried that I was getting too old to have babies at all. (Of course, this is coming from a woman who had her first baby -- me! -- when she was 21). In 9 years, I went from no kids for me, thanks to I need to have a baby NOW!
I was actually pregnant when I interviewed for jobs and got several job offers. Before I accepted the job offer I wanted, I did mention to my then-boss that I was expecting a baby; that I would take, at most, six weeks off to have the baby (that's what my mother did - but she had my grandma at home!) and then I would be right back at work. He said, "No problem. We're glad to have you on board." Boy, was I naive.
I worked six months and didn't stop working until my due date. (D was born 10 days late.) Once that little baby was born, I immediately fell totally and completely in love with it. I wanted to hold him all day. After a few weeks at home, I called my boss and asked him for four months off instead of 1 1/2. He was so nice about it. He was older and had grown children, but said he remembered the days of wanting to hold your baby non-stop. Once again, he said, "No problem."
So I stayed home for four months nursing my baby, taking him for walks, holding him, playing with him and just plain loving him. By the time the four month mark came along, neither David and I were ready to put him in daycare full time so we had him going to a local daycare three days a week and David stayed home with him the other two. It was such a great way for them to bond.
Finding good daycare in Boston was very difficult. We had thought about getting a nanny, but our pediatrician talked us out of it. She said unless it's a family member, you never know what the person does with that baby all day. There is no one at home to watch over her. She can act like the nicest person in the world in front of you, but you don't know what she could do to your baby if she's having a bad day. She suggested a group daycare where you have several experienced women taking care of babies. They can take breaks and have lunch on their own and be refreshed when they come back to take care of your baby. Besides, good group daycare in Boston costs almost as much, if not more, than having a full-time nanny. That was enough for me.
The daycare we really wanted was in the building where I worked, but they didn't have an opening for Daniel until he was 8 months old even though we had put him on the wait list the minute I started working. They had an infant room with 4 adults and 7 babies. While we waited for that daycare, we signed up for a daycare near our house that had a similar ratio, and a very sweet lady running. I loved her the minute I saw her, but I really wanted to be close to Daniel during the day so I could go visit him and nurse him.
I have that very first drop-off at daycare day engraved in my brain. I remember every minute detail -- what he was wearing, what I was wearing, how my heart was so heavy with guilt, how it took me half an hour to hand him over to the nice lady who was going to take care of him. I remember crying all the way to work and my sweet boss letting me tell him about it for a whole hour and then letting me leave early that day so I could pick up the baby early. After that, we decided David would do drop-off and I would pick up. That was much easier, but I still felt guilty. I kept asking myself why did I have a baby so that other people can raise him while I'm at work? It seemed so unfair to him.
Finally, we got a spot in the daycare in my building and it was awesome. Now D got to ride in to work with me and I got to visit him during the day and during my lunch hour. I could go and nurse him any time. It was great, but I still always felt that I wanted to spend more time with him than evenings and weekends. We lived with that arrangement for 2 years.
When I got pregnant with N, I had a different boss, but just as nice. He was younger and had three kids at home so he was very understanding. I asked to go on a part-time schedule four days a week and he was ok with that. That was pretty manageable and increased the weekend time I spent with D by 50 percent!
When N was born, I stayed home six months with her. Then, I went back to work 3 days a week. That was not working for me. I was a program manager so I had to check email every day and communicate with my boss every day even on the days I was home. I could get away with only checking email a couple times a day when I was at work four days, but when I went down to 3 days, it was hard to stay on top of things, but I didn't want to lose responsibility at work so when N was 7 months, I went back to 4 days a week. I think I could've kept that schedule up. Both kids were in the same, good day care. I loved the teachers. David was president of the daycare board. Life was good, but I still wanted more times with the kids. I kept thinking to myself that they are only this little once and I'm missing it. It really hit home, when the daycare called me one day to tell me that N had just started pulling herself up. Luckily, I was in the building so I could run down to see it, but still felt that David and I should be the first ones to see that!
It was around that time, that David started thinking about jobs in Texas. We were lucky that he got a job quickly so two months later we knew were moving to Texas. Cost of living is a lot less expensive in Texas and our house in Boston had doubled in price since we had bought it five years before. That was my chance to stay home!
I was so scared though. I had always worked and been independent. What would staying home do to my self-image? I didn't want to be one of those bored, depressed stay-at-home moms you read about sometimes. What would staying home do to my career? I had 13 years of professional experience under my belt. I was excelling professionally. Would I ever be able to get back to where I was professionally? I read so many books about making that choice. A few that finally convinced me: Mitten Strings for God; Surrendering to Motherhood; and I don't know how she does it. I also talked to a lot of women.
To me, it finally came down to being there to actually see my kids grow up and passing on my values to them from the very beginning. I cannot get these years back, but I can always get a job back later. So I did it.
At first, I thought I would do it for only a year. To my surprise, I found that I loved it and still do. I love the mundane things we do day to day. I love playing with them. I love taking them to the park, going for walks. I love being able to pick them up after school. I love just being with them.
It's now been five years and by the time I go back to work, IK will be almost 2 1/2 years old. I will always remember these years with joy. Not to say that it's all joy. Like everything, we have good days, and we have bad days, but I am here with them to love them and guide them during these formative years. For me, that's what it's about.
1 comment:
Thanks, I really enjoyed reading your journey from work out of the home to inside the home ... and thinking about moving back out again. I have this hopeful and perhaps naive belief that, given good health, we can live our lives fully in the stages we are at, so we can stay home when our children are small (if finances allow it), and work before and after on our careers. With some overlap, of course. Good luck as you look ahead to whatever comes next!
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