Bread-winner or Bread-baker?

After much contemplation and discussion, we have decided that I will stay home until Isabella starts Kindergarten which is in two more years. (If the right part-time opportunity arises, I might consider it, but at this point, I am not actively looking for employment.) I just feel I would be missing out on her young years and my older kids are still little, too. I am not ready to put them all in after school care and leave Isabella in daycare 9 hours a day, five-days a week. I remember when I used to work. I dropped Daniel off at 8:15 and picked him up at 5:30. We got home at 6:15, ate a quick dinner, gave him a bath and he was in bed by 7:30. I got to see him a total of maybe 3 hours in a week day. Some people can and more power to them. For me, I had kids to enjoy them and be with them and I'm just not ready to go back to only seeing them a few hours a day. Yes, it would be nice to have the extra income, but do my kids need ski trips more than they need mommy? I don't think so.

At any rate, at the end of my extended "maternity leave," I will have been home 8 years!!!! That seems like a long time, but as you know, time flies especially when you are involved in the care of young children. So with that in mind...

I was at the dentist a few weeks ago because Nati was getting her teeth cleaned. It was snowing hard (the first snow we've had in two years!). I casually mentioned that it was a good day for going home and baking bread. The dentist's face lit up and she said, "Do you bake bread regularly?" I was embarrased to admit that I have never actually baked bread. Then she tells me that when her kids were little, she could only afford to stay home for one year, but that she baked bread every day that year. What the?! Are you serious? Wow. I was so impressed.

Later as I was driving away from her office, all these questions started percolating in my head: What have you been doing in your six years at home, Sylvia, when you haven't been a bread winner? You're not even being a bread-baker? What HAVE you been doing?

More later...

Noisy Hearts

I have been reading a lot of books on spirituality lately. I read them a lot when I was single, too. I had just started working in a professional setting. I lived in Houston by myself in my own apartment. I didn't really know that many people. I was working on a challenging assignment with new technology and very little mentoring from the staff. I was far away from family. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend. I got up early, went to work, worked until very late, worked out, came home had dinner and went to bed and then it started all over again.

I felt like I was living in a whirlwind and I needed to find ways to slow it down. My favorite book of that season of my life is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. That book gave me the framework I needed to sort out all the changes that were going on in my life and put things back in perspective.

Now that I am a parent and have three kids and their activities to deal with, I feel, once again, that I am living in a whirlwind. Thankfully, Isabella goes to school two days a week, and that gives me time to slow down a bit, but the rest of the time, it feels like I am shuttling children from activity to activity, or going from one volunteer or school activity to another.

I have also wanted to find a way for my kids to not feel this whirlwind. What can we teach them to help them deal with our fast-paced life? I started looking for another book that would help me put things in perspective and help me teach the kids how to slow down. I search the library and the internet and I found two(!):

Nurturing Silence in a Noisy Heart is outstanding. The author claims that in a digital world, we have lost our privacy. No matter where you are, you can be reached via your cell phone. We no longer seem to give ourselves time to just be. This is especially true for our children once they start school, he claims. Even outdoor time is structured: soccer practice, baseball practice, etc. Parents trying to make memories pack activity after activity on weekends: bowling, movies, etc., but when do kids have a chance to just be? His book gives wonderful ideas for adults to slow down and smell the roses. For instance, he says get up before the whole family does and just sit in a dark room gathering your thoughts or go for an early morning walk by yourself. He recommends one make a list of things that nourish our soul and keep a record of how often we do those things in a week. After a week, examine how often you engaged in an activity on your list. Are you doing the things that are important to you or are you just going through the motions you know will get you through the day? I love all the questions he poses.

Habits of a Child's Heart: Raising your kids with the spiritual discipline is totally worth owning, as well. The authors base this book on Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline. They lay out the 12 principles that are important to help one make the most of our spiritual life: meditation, prayer, fasting (not just from food, but from TV and video games, too), study, confession, worship, guidance (how to be a good friend and learn to make good friends), celebration, simplicity, solitude, submission, and service. They explain what each principle is, how a parent can learn to use this principle, and offer specific ideas and suggestions for teaching them to children of all ages. I know Foster's book is based on Quaker and Roman Catholic thought and therefore, considered controversial by some religious groups, but Habits of a Child's Heart really spoke to me and gave me the framework I was looking for. It's almost like a summary of the important suggestions you read about in other spiritual books. You know how it is when you start seeing the same thing in all the books you're reading? You feel like you are getting closer to seeing the light. I love it!

Responsible Parenting

Do responsible parents let their 10-year-old read Stephen King's Pet Sematary? What about the Lord of the Rings Trilogy? I don't want to squash his enthusiasm for reading, but seriously, Stephen King?

"Aren't there other more age-appropriate things he can read?" I asked the lady in charge of Juvenile Literature at Half-Price Books (they are so knowledgeable - almost as good as Book People employees!).

She said, "Well, have you tried Harry Potter?"

"Yes, he's read that."

"Have you tried Percy Jackson?"

"Yes, he's read that."

"Have you tried Redwall?"

"Yes, he's read that."

"Have you tried Ranger's Apprentice?"

"Yes, he's read that."

"Peter and the Star Catcher?"

"Read it."

"Warrior series?"

"Reading it."

"Lemony Snicket?"

"Reading it."

She gave me a funny look and then she said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you. He's pretty well read." Well, that was helpful.

So back to my orignal question: Should we let him read Stephen King books? I'm leaning towards NO, but I could be swayed. David said he read it when he was 11 and he had nightmares. Maybe he can read that stuff when he's a teenager...

Is it so small a thing to have enjoy'd the sun?

I recently attended a book club meeting in which we discussed The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. One of the main characters, Elizabeth, has a quote she repeats frequently, "Is it so small a thing to have enjoy'd the sun..." My husband and I looked up the quote and discovered that it is from The Hymn of Empedocles by Matthew Arnold:

Is it so small a thing

To have enjoy'd the sun,

To have lived light in the spring,

To have loved, to have thought, to have done;

To have advanced true friends, and beat down baffling foes...

It is now one of my favorite poems. I love it because it's about enjoying the ups and downs of life and living in the moment. It reminds me of another quote titled "Success" that I learned from a friend in college:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

They both espouse a very good philosophy and one that I need to remember as I grapple with the question of going back to work. How do I define success? Why am I in such a hurry to put my 2 1/2 year-old in pre-school all day? What is driving me to do it?

I thought I knew. I have been out of the work force for five years which is a long time to be out for a person with a technology degree. My two older kids are in school all day and my youngest is 2 and a half and she goes to preschool two days a week. What am I going to do with myself all day?

More later...

More on Mothers

I wonder if grown-ups who still have their mothers around understand how lucky we are to have had a mother raise us and still be with us.

I recently attended the Heart Gallery of Central Texas Gala sponsored by the Adoption Coalition of Central Texas. The Heart Gallery is a display of portraits of older children in foster care who want to be adopted into a family.

At this gala, I met a very nice young woman who at 36 was finally adopted. One would think that at 36 she would have already gotten used to flying solo in the world, but to her the adoption was the start of her healing. She had been searching for a family her entire life. She talked so proudly about her new Mom and her brothers.

But every where I look, I seem to find stories of people who long for a mother. I also recently met and befriended another very nice young woman who grew up in a house with a mother who had a mental illness. My friend basically raised herself and then got placed in foster care when she was in her teens. She is now married with children so she has created her own family, but not having a mother has really been hard for her.

The mother of one of my roommates passed away when my roommate was six. She left behind two little girls under the age of 7. My friend talked about missing her mother terribly. The only physical evidence that her mother had existed was a purse my friend had in her closet and a picture of her mom, her dad, my friend and her sister that she had on her dresser.

I attended a reading by Sandra Cisneros a few months ago and she mentioned that when her mother died, she cried because she felt like an orphan and she was 54.

And then there are the lucky people, like me, who not only have a mother, but also had a grandmother to care of me. My grandmother lived at home with us and made every one of my meals for my first 18 years of my life. She baked cookies for me. She sang me lullabies so I could sleep. She held me in her arms when I was sick or sad. She hugged and kissed me every day of our life together. My mother worked outside the home, but she was there for me always. My mother still calls me once a week, and she worries about me when I am sick or she hasn't heard from me in a few days.

I just cannot imagine the void that one must feel when that person who adores you more than possibly anyone else in the world, is gone.

I feel for those children in foster care and I wish I were in a position to adopt a few of them. I feel for my friends who carry this sadness inside their hearts every day. And I feel so fortunate to have been born into a family with caring parents and caring grandparents.

But I can't help but wonder, why me? And why were those children at the Heart Gallery born into families who couldn't take care of them? Why am I the lucky one and not them?

I wonder.

TTYL.

Are You My Mother?

For Daniel's Back-To-School Night, students in his class had to write a short description of one parent. The teacher read the descriptions out loud during the classroom meeting with all the parents. Parents then had to guess if the person described in the essay was them. Here is what Daniel wrote:

"Who Am I? By Daniel Kauffman

Do you recognize this elegant woman with dark brown hair?

My mom has dark brown hair, brown eyes and the smell of Pert [shampoo] when she gets out of the shower. She's short and old. Her eyes sparkle like water when the sun hits it.

My mom is always caring for me. My mom is funny. She makes me laugh. My mom helps me a lot. She is fun to play with. She's cool playing with me. She's very smart with computers.

My talented mom is good at making dinner and lunch. She is very fast and good at texting. She's very good at making me mad then calming me down. She gets scared easily.

My mom enjoys watching me play baseball and my sister soccer. She enjoys reading, writing, and math. She also loves school.

Are you my mother?"

I find it interesting that he thinks I'm elegant. :) I find that comment so endearing. I should ask him what his definition for elegant is. The other thing that cracked me up is that he notices the smell of my shampoo, which by the way, thanks to a new friend who knows a lot about hair, I am now using Nioxin shampoo and Redken conditioner and neither smells like Pert. I wonder if he'll notice the difference. I also thought it was funny that he mentioned that I text a lot. I'm a little embarrassed by that comment, but I can't blame him for writing the truth. I'm just glad he didn't write other more embarrassing truths about me...

And I'm not THAT old. :)

Never-ending Summer

Summer starts in Texas around April. That's when we start getting those 85 degree days regularly. By the time school gets out at the end of May, the days are scorching hot and the temperature is hovering in the upper 90's. So when the end of August rolls around and the heat is unbearable--always above 100 degrees, I am so ready for a sign of fall. Typically, that sign is the first day of school!

This year, however, summer seems to be dragging on. After spending countless hours getting ready for school --organizing school supplies, picking out clothes, packing lunches, getting backpacks ready, and finding that shoe that always seems to disappear when you need it most--Daniel wakes up with a fever on the first day of school. How can a child who has had one cold all year get sick the day school starts? Somehow that one little incident has thrown off my entire plan for the week. I was supposed to walk three miles this morning, go to the grocery store, mail my sister her reading glasses, drop off some things at Goodwill, write thank you cards, etc., but now it's noon and I am sitting here in my PJ's reading Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and taking my son's temperature every hour. I have spent most of the morning playing with our new dog Sadie and my two year-old. I guess I am disappointed because it feels like a normal summer day and I m so ready to get back into our fall routine. Hopefully, for his sake and mine, his fever will break and he will be off to school tomorrow so fall can officially start (for me. )

TTYL.